In bocca al lupo

Enrolling in the clinical trial threw me into a flurry of activities in the past few days. I got a blood draw, chest x ray, and CT scan. I also saw my acupuncturist and, at her suggestion, had a cranio-sacral session with another bodyworker today. 

An aside about my acupuncturist. I REALLY love her and she REALLY hates that I'm doing chemo. I am getting used to the rub between the allopathic and naturo/homeo/osteopathic worlds, and it makes me very very grateful for the healers on both sides that respect people's choices to pick and choose among them, even (especially?) when they have strong opinions. The thing with Natalie is that she herself cleared very early breast cancer naturally and believes there are much better treatments than the toxic scorched-earth methods of chemo and radiation. She also concedes there is no clinical - only anecdotal - evidence out there in support of these therapies. And decades of research and numbers behind the generally accepted medicine protocols. And then there's the question of insurance. Of course, what she suggested for me as the best option costs $15-20K out of pocket and requires 3 or more weeks in Switzerland, but apparently the outcomes are good.

I have sort of vowed to start with alternative medicine first if this thing makes a return or persists after this treatment, as I do feel a strong pull to the the naturopathic theory that you must treat the *root* of a problem, not just the symptoms (AKA what are the underlying weaknesses in my body that made me prone to cancer in the first place?) I'm doing some of it now, though trying to repair the body while undergoing chemo is sort of like trying to grow organic food at a superfund site. The best we can do is maintain the best immune function possible through this somatic armageddon, with the optimal word being "possible".

Anyway, back to the cranio-sacral work.  Though I am spending money like a drunken sailor on alternative therapies right now, this one was clearly and immediately worth it. And I really don't know how it works, but it did. I feel like I just spent a week meditating and doing yoga - so much calmer and more centered and balanced.  Apparently, things like getting cancer can set your central nervous system into a "flight or fight" response (uh, ya think?) and this therapy really helps to get beyond that to your sympathetic system and put you in a much calmer state.

Anyway, it worked. At least for now. And as far as I'm concerned, if it gets me through my first chemo treatment tomorrow, it's money well spent.

The healer who administered it to me also told me the myth of Inanna's descent to the underworld and thought that this coming period was a journey where I could take the time to do deep, internal work. I will be "hanging on the hook in hell" so I might as well use the time well (BGI folk - I thought to myself "LPD 3: independent study in mortality").

Whether it be hanging on hooks in hell, or jumping into mouths of lions or mouths of wolves (the subject line, the Italian form of "good luck" also means "into the mouth of the wolf" or walking through valleys of darkness, the metaphors for the archetypal heroes journey keep coming to me.  This doesn't yet make me a hero, but it does ensure that I embrace the darkness along with the light. 

Oh, and I found out this evening I got kicked out of the trial after all. There were tiny spots on my lungs in the xray and the CT but they are very likely to be evidence of my exposure to histoplasmosis from living in Southern Ohio. In fact, I have had false positive TB tests and chest xrays that showed scarring before. However, since it can't be positively proven (they can't biopsy such small locations) that it isn't cancer, I am not eligible for the trial.

It was very easy for me to pick the chemo I wanted when given the option, which is the every-three-weeks for six times one without the could-hurt-the-heart Adriamycin. Like all chemo, it has side effects a go-go and I'll lose my hair, but I am going to maintain an open mind. I very quickly went on a website this afternoon with a chat string from women currently in this protocol or recently finished athough there were some people really suffering, the overwhelming majority were saying that it was pretty doable.

I'll take doable.